Hope.

Hope is so strange and so beautiful.

I feel a little blossom of hope inside of me right now. It is like seeing a crocus start to open up after months of stark white snow. There is a thrill and excitement that goes with it. And an anxiousness. An slight fear that it might disappear under snow again tomorrow and life will once again be only a blanket of white.

I feel new life blooming on the inside of me. I feel my heart that has been weary and tired starting to stir. My future that has looked so shadowy and long is starting to glow with the pink and purple stripes of a new day.

Maybe it is just because of the drugs. But maybe it is because it am allowing myself to accept the truth of these words…

I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans the prosper you and not to harm you. To give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

I can’t say for sure what it is. But there is one thing I know. I have hope. I have a future. Something that has been sleeping in my chest is waking up. Where before I only wanted to sleep, to escape and to hide there is a desire building to run. I want to dance and play. I want to bake and draw. I want to build and sew. I want to laugh and hug. I want to write and feel. I want to live.

Several nights ago in a dream I saw myself say “I just want to be happy to be alive again.”

Well it’s happening. I can feel magic in even the most mundane tasks. The magic of being alive.

I think that means that I am going to be all right. I hope.

*Allison